What to say when a client says "you're only nice bc I'm paying"?

[Meg_Foster]

This is in reference to the previous threat. That was, now that I think of it, the main question. No offense taken, Lorrissa! I completely agree re. being harsh on people with body issues.

In other words, how would you respond to the statement:

 "you're only nice bc I'm paying"?

or something along these lines. Yes, this is not our problem. But if this comes out in a minor breakdown after everything is rolling along fine, what is the best response?

What would you say if that is directly said or insinuated in a way which maintains boundaries and reassures the client?

[April Showers]

I would laugh and say  *gosh you should should see how nice am i to peope who buy me cars* and they tend to laugh and you can then  have a bit of light hearted banter with them .

[EmilyJones]

I would probably laugh a bit too - you know, to try to keep things lighthearted! - and say, "I know, isn't it wonderful?? You don't have to deal with my boring complaining or needy whining!" (Maybe don't say 'needy whining' since that might be his plan, ahem.)

To be honest, I feel that declaring, "You're only nice because I'm paying!" in a plaintive way to a prossie is like going into Waterstones and shrieking, "YOU ONLY SELL BOOKS AND OTHER ENTERTAINMENT ITEMS!" ...i.e. totally pointless. I mean, the vast majority of clients understand perfectly well what they're paying for, and we enjoy giving them their service, and things all go swimmingly. It's only very selfish or immature people who expect things from others that they are clearly unable to provide and while my heart does ache a bit for the men who find buying sex to be a confusing and upsetting process, the fact is, if they don't enjoy sex unless the woman is there of her own volition, he ought not be seeking out prostitutes. Let alone seeking out prossies and trying to emotionally manipulate them into feeling bad for him so that he can maybe get a pity shag or even just a pity hug, depending on just how desperate he is for something 'real'.

Basically, "maintaining boundaries" is almost impossible with a client who's clearly not good with boundaries in the first place. It's like how you can't really turn a timewaster into a decent client no matter what you do so best just sharply reduce the amount of time you spend dealing with them because, as business-owners, we need to pay lots of attention to the great customers and not get burnt out by the bad ones. If a client tries to turn a booking into a free date, or tries to manipulate me into a 'relationship', or seems otherwise unable to understand and accept my boundaries, I will deal with him kindly but firmly because I'd rather not string him along to try to turn him into a regular. He's always going to be confused and difficult to handle, so best say goodbye before things get really nasty and he decides A) he 'loves' you, so B) you are not allowed to see any other men, so C) he's going to start following you around and making threats.

Sorry. I know that probably seems super-strict. But escorts are already a vulnerable group when it comes to stalkers (and worse) so I think that when you see the first, mildest signs that someone struggles to understand the nature of the transaction, that's when you politely and quickly remove them from your working life.

[ElleCouture]

I find this an extraordinarily emotionally exhausting question, and like Emily has pointed out, very much view it as a subtle-manipulative form of boundary pushing. The guy is looking for you to just gush with genuine "oh no of course not, you're wonderful, I would be nice to you even if you weren't paying" and then he's kinda entrapped you.

If a guy says it to me, I do my best to make a joke about it. I've had it a couple of times with clients at the end of sessions when I'm seeing them out the flat. "I've had a lovely time, take care now" "Oh I bet you say that to all your clients". I just give them a cheeky smile, say jokingly "no comment" and give them their goodbye kiss and send them on their way.

It's when it's at the beginning of a booking that it just makes things really awkward. Again I try to make a joke out of it, but some guys are really persistent with going along these mopey lines. And it seriously drains me. I very much want them to have a good time, and I try very hard to encourage regulars, but at this point while I'm being all smiley and reassuring-y I am silently in my head crossing them off from the list of regulars.

Of course I am concerned for their emotional well-being, and it really does affect me when they are so clearly struggling with their choice to see me. But I care more about my own emotional well-being and refuse to let myself be sucked in.

[Rooby]

"you're only nice bc I'm paying"?

I just make a joke and say 'Yes, absolutely. I'm a horrible, horrible person really' with a big smile. I might add 'You make it easy to be nice to you' if I think they need a bit of an ego stroke but generally I try to avoid answering at all.

R xx 

[ladyjennaj]

It is a manipulative comment, most definitely. We are not therapists, and we are not being paid to boost their egos. I've had alot of clients like this, who make me feel guilty, which is rubbish. I cannot stand people who constantly feel sorry for themselves, and drag everyone down with them. I don't need anyone else's issues on my doorstep, thank you very much.

PS, Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am not here to deal with people's self-confidence. I pride myself on being a kind and comforting person, but don't push my boundaries...

[River]

In other words, how would you respond to the statement:

 "you're only nice bc I'm paying"?

What would you say if that is directly said or insinuated in a way which maintains boundaries and reassures the client?

"Don't act like you forgot this is a cash transaction. We're not friends. You don't do this on the bus, so don't do it here"*



* I nicked that from Mr Sleep,  Beatings R Me in:
Paying for it: A Guide by Sex Workers for Their Clients But I also use that line IRL where necessary. 

[ana30]

"you're only nice bc I'm paying"?

i always say: "Yes". End off.

[kellykisses]

Absolutely... 'The customer is always right'. 

[Sweet.Elise]

I'd turn it right around on them and ask if they thought I was the type of person to be rude/bitchy/stuck-up outside of a work scenario. I'd sooth their ego a few tims before telling them they could cut the crap or I could leave. Dealing with that is NOT my job.