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Author Topic: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf  (Read 2789 times)

Mya888

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Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« on: 16 September 2017, 06:38:43 pm »
I couldn't think of where to post this and I could really use some perspective... Maybe some of you will understand though I don't expect anyone to.
I've been in a relationship for 3,5 years now, though last two years were so rocky full of conflicts, arguing etc thoughts of braking up but always staying together despite all the drama. I've sacrificed a lot for my bf, and by nature I want to make everyone happy even if it means I'm not. Yet I do lie a lot and feel like I have to 'go behind peoples back' to do things that make me happy so that they don't get upset.
I've been escorting behind by bf back, I got on a lot of debt before I met him, I told him few months after we started dating but he took it really bad back then, I thought he'd leave me to be honest but he didn't. Since then though he would always be very controlling about money knowing about my debt. I didnt tell him exactly how much it was after seeing his reaction and thought with time I'd be able to repay it. Debt collectors etc and seeing my bf lose two jobs within few months I decided to start escorting (not an easy decision)  I was also  when we were arguing a lot and my plan was to save up money to move out and end our relationship.
But things got better and I stayed. Plus I got offered a 'normal day job' so starting soon and quitting escorting.
Anyways, I met this 'client' who lives abroad that I've lost my head for. Not at first, as I'm quite reserved but I met him twice to spend the evening together (not as an escort). We spent the whole night talking, and I've head one the best, deepest, honest conversations with him. He opened my eyes to many things and helped me understand a lot. And yes, I did sleep with him again..
Its complicated. Now I don't know what to do about my relationship. I know for sure the guy I slept with has no place in my life, he lives abroad, travels, got a kid etc but how he treated me, how he talked with me, just made me realised that my bf has neglected our relationship despite me talking to him openly about it for a long time and constantly giving chances. I think I've got tired of not seeing progress and well things happened. I know I did wrong.
I also know I have the strength to be alone, but I don't know how to speak to my bf. His last two girlfriends cheated on him and I don't want to crush his last hope and belief that he deserves better..but I also know that he makes love difficult and even before I cheated on him, I wasn't sure about us,i wanted to break up but he'd always pull me back and promise change and I'd stay. And he's a great guy, very special and good at heart.
How do you choose if you forget about what your heart tells you, and carry on as if nothing happened (and also to make this guy happy), or cut off everything you worked for and break this guys heart and start from scratch? Ive moved to a different city for him and now know it was a mistake but he also put trust in our relationship, I'm worried how he will take it if I was to break up with him..
Sorry if it's all chaotic and doesn't make sense, it's something I've been thinking about for weeks and have no one to talk to. Feel free to be honest though I realise myself what I've done.

ana30

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #1 on: 16 September 2017, 07:03:57 pm »
Yes it sounds a bit confusing. Take an hour alone and sit by yourself with a pen and paper and write down a list of the pro's and another one of the cons of this relationship. If the pros outweight the cons stay, if vice versa leave him. Sometimes writing it on paper and making a list helps to separate from the issue and see things a bit more objectively.
You seem to think to much how others feel but the important thing here is  how YOU feel. Like most sex workers you're a "giver" and seem to take into consideration everybodys feelings first. You don't sound very happy IMO. Be selfish and think if investing more in this relationship is worth it.

Signed: practical me.
« Last Edit: 16 September 2017, 10:00:27 pm by Ana30 »
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jo-jo

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #2 on: 16 September 2017, 07:53:02 pm »
Hi Mya,

There are a few things you have raised in your post, but let me pick out what seems to be the main issue- your relationship. You seem to be in two minds about things; should you stay with your bf just so you don't break his heart, or start from scratch?

First, you can't keep giving if you are empty. Think about it. You have to have something to give, and at the moment, it sounds like the one person who needs to be looked after is you! As good as you are for always putting others before yourself, you need to take a moment as Ana mentions to pay attention and listen to yourself. Be 100% honest with yourself. Ask yourself what it is that you really want. You sound like you've half figured out things but you need to be truly honest with YOU, as no one can tell you what YOU truly want. If you try and forget what your heart tells you, then you are not being honest with yourself.

How he will take things shouldn't be the reason you hold back from breaking up with him...he will be upset but you should think ahead and think about how you will feel if you stayed for this reason only.


Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

Erotic Masseuse

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #3 on: 16 September 2017, 08:39:20 pm »
Do what makes YOU happy, I know it sounds harsh, but you are the author of your own life, you don't need to tell him you cheated on him, just say you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Once you have said it, break all contact. Putting others before yourself is a recipe for disaster. The only human beings we should put before ourselves are our parents and our children. Hope you manage to simplify your situation x

mm_reading

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #4 on: 17 September 2017, 12:05:33 am »
Agreed, you can't stay just to make the other person happy. It's not fair to either of you. He doesn't necessarily need to know all the gory details, but you're clearly not happy any more, you'll just make each other unhappy if you let this continue

Lucie268

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #5 on: 17 September 2017, 12:41:02 pm »
Let that man go. You deserve better. Why stay with someone who doesn't treat you as well as they could? Why settle for less? Staying with someone just because you don't want to break their heart is silly, and unfair on both of you.

mature helen

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #6 on: 17 September 2017, 02:07:52 pm »
Its your life, you cant live it making others happy at the expense of your own emotional and mental well being, this relationship sounds more like two people who are co dependent and that's not healthy for either of you.
You cant stay with someone just because you don't want to hurt them because all you are doing is deceiving them and hurting yourself.
Take control of your own life don't live to regret time wasted on people that aren't giving you something back.
Good luck.

meetingdiversity

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #7 on: 17 September 2017, 02:14:40 pm »
If it feels wrong things need to change. Like things were going badly wrong with my bf, but since laying the law down things are improving. If nothing changes things will be the same.


Mya888

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #8 on: 17 September 2017, 08:42:25 pm »
Thank you for all you have said...the scariest thing is that I agree with it all and I know what I should do, yet I have this voice at the back of my head that tells me that I should stay cause he ain't that bad, he can make me happy, we've been together so long, he's family is so great, I don't want to hurt him etc I hate those thoughts!!
Soo many people would always tell me: Aww you're so nice etc, and I think sometimes I just felt like I needed to be, but I hate it.. I know that my bf can't give me what I want and need and I also know that he will think it's literally the end of the world once I break up with him..
No, I don't want to hurt him cause he's a good guy but deep down I know what I should do and now Im just finding the courage to do so.
What makes things more complicated is that we rent together and would have to live together for another 4 months.

*to those who noticed, I had to get a new account, I freaked out a bit after posting this topic and deleted my original one  :FF

VoluptuousCurves

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #9 on: 18 September 2017, 06:27:38 pm »
You're a people pleaser. Have a read of Co-Dependent No More. It will help.
And me, I am not a mess, I am a wilderness, yes
The undiscovered continent for you to undress

TheLittleMatchGirl

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #10 on: 21 September 2017, 12:41:04 am »
So basically you'd like to be alone so you can be your own person and enjoy your life. What's even stopping you? What a waste of both your lives it would be to stay stuck in a boring lifeless relationship for no real reason. Go live your life,  be independent!
*** I can resist everything but temptation***

TheLittleMatchGirl

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #11 on: 21 September 2017, 12:44:28 am »
Thank you for all you have said...the scariest thing is that I agree with it all and I know what I should do, yet I have this voice at the back of my head that tells me that I should stay cause he ain't that bad, he can make me happy, we've been together so long, he's family is so great, I don't want to hurt him etc I hate those thoughts!!
Soo many people would always tell me: Aww you're so nice etc, and I think sometimes I just felt like I needed to be, but I hate it.. I know that my bf can't give me what I want and need and I also know that he will think it's literally the end of the world once I break up with him..
No, I don't want to hurt him cause he's a good guy but deep down I know what I should do and now Im just finding the courage to do so.
What makes things more complicated is that we rent together and would have to live together for another 4 months.

*to those who noticed, I had to get a new account, I freaked out a bit after posting this topic and deleted my original one  :FF

Why not make yourself happy? Looking to men/prospective partners to give you  happiness/life satisfaction will  entirely fail in the long run

Also it sounds like he may feel the same and won't be as upset as you think, maybe he'll be grateful you bit the bullet and said it first, you could stay great friends who knows
« Last Edit: 21 September 2017, 12:46:05 am by TheLittleMatchGirl »
*** I can resist everything but temptation***

lillybliss

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #12 on: 21 September 2017, 07:13:49 am »
Life is extremely short so and I know exactly what it's like to always put other people's feelings before yourself because that what I had been doing for year's BUT I lost my oldest friend a few weeks ago and that's when I decided to change, you only get one shot of this life so do what ever it take's to make you happy, as someone else has already said the only people you should put before you are your Parents and your Kid's good luck x.

Mya888

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #13 on: 21 September 2017, 04:35:36 pm »
Thank you again...

Well few days ago I've found the courage and I ended our relationship. He took it better than I thought and agreed with my reasons.
We've decided to stay friends as we've always been friends really anyway and we still live together.
He does say he would get back with me if I wanted to and I can tell deep down he is suffering though he's being tough. What makes it harder now is that he keeps on asking for hugs, and time with me, even if it's just watching a film together and I find myself having to say no a lot of times.
But it's done now, 3 months and I'll be getting my own place and excited for the new :) feeling so relieved, I wasn't expecting to feel that way, thanks for your understanding everyone x

jo-jo

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Re: Notorious lier plus cheating on my bf
« Reply #14 on: 21 September 2017, 07:42:40 pm »
Thank you again...

Well few days ago I've found the courage and I ended our relationship. He took it better than I thought and agreed with my reasons.
We've decided to stay friends as we've always been friends really anyway and we still live together.
He does say he would get back with me if I wanted to and I can tell deep down he is suffering though he's being tough. What makes it harder now is that he keeps on asking for hugs, and time with me, even if it's just watching a film together and I find myself having to say no a lot of times.
But it's done now, 3 months and I'll be getting my own place and excited for the new :) feeling so relieved, I wasn't expecting to feel that way, thanks for your understanding everyone x

good luck Mya xxx
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.