I couldn't think of where to post this and I could really use some perspective... Maybe some of you will understand though I don't expect anyone to.
I've been in a relationship for 3,5 years now, though last two years were so rocky full of conflicts, arguing etc thoughts of braking up but always staying together despite all the drama. I've sacrificed a lot for my bf, and by nature I want to make everyone happy even if it means I'm not. Yet I do lie a lot and feel like I have to 'go behind peoples back' to do things that make me happy so that they don't get upset.
I've been escorting behind by bf back, I got on a lot of debt before I met him, I told him few months after we started dating but he took it really bad back then, I thought he'd leave me to be honest but he didn't. Since then though he would always be very controlling about money knowing about my debt. I didnt tell him exactly how much it was after seeing his reaction and thought with time I'd be able to repay it. Debt collectors etc and seeing my bf lose two jobs within few months I decided to start escorting (not an easy decision) I was also when we were arguing a lot and my plan was to save up money to move out and end our relationship.
But things got better and I stayed. Plus I got offered a 'normal day job' so starting soon and quitting escorting.
Anyways, I met this 'client' who lives abroad that I've lost my head for. Not at first, as I'm quite reserved but I met him twice to spend the evening together (not as an escort). We spent the whole night talking, and I've head one the best, deepest, honest conversations with him. He opened my eyes to many things and helped me understand a lot. And yes, I did sleep with him again..
Its complicated. Now I don't know what to do about my relationship. I know for sure the guy I slept with has no place in my life, he lives abroad, travels, got a kid etc but how he treated me, how he talked with me, just made me realised that my bf has neglected our relationship despite me talking to him openly about it for a long time and constantly giving chances. I think I've got tired of not seeing progress and well things happened. I know I did wrong.
I also know I have the strength to be alone, but I don't know how to speak to my bf. His last two girlfriends cheated on him and I don't want to crush his last hope and belief that he deserves better..but I also know that he makes love difficult and even before I cheated on him, I wasn't sure about us,i wanted to break up but he'd always pull me back and promise change and I'd stay. And he's a great guy, very special and good at heart.
How do you choose if you forget about what your heart tells you, and carry on as if nothing happened (and also to make this guy happy), or cut off everything you worked for and break this guys heart and start from scratch? Ive moved to a different city for him and now know it was a mistake but he also put trust in our relationship, I'm worried how he will take it if I was to break up with him..
Sorry if it's all chaotic and doesn't make sense, it's something I've been thinking about for weeks and have no one to talk to. Feel free to be honest though I realise myself what I've done.